Anne Bednar: What the Old Testament taught a young mother with cancer in 2022 (2023)

Morgan Jones Pearson 0:00

A friend messaged me on Instagram last year. He told me that someone he knew, Anne Bednar, was recently diagnosed with cancer and shared her experience on social media. I had previously attended a conference with Anne and found that he seemed to be an organized person. So I decided to check it out. Anne's Instagram was private so I sent her a request to follow her and she was kind enough to accept. I soon saw the world through the eyes of a young mother of seven fighting cancer. A young mother who already has a son with a rare genetic condition called PCD, which causes chronic recurring infections of the lungs, ears, and sinuses. A young mother with twin boys who were only one year old at the time of diagnosis. I was fascinated by Anne's publication and her ability to apply to herself what she was learning from the Old Testament. I thought that before we turn our full attention to the Come, Follow Me year in the New Testament, it would be good to review the Old Testament lessons. I hope listening to Anne's conclusions reminds you of the lessons you learned from studying in 2022.

Anne Bednar is a mother of seven children, a pediatric nurse, sociable, traveler and active. Having experienced the hospital environment as a nurse, mother, and patient, she now advocates for rare diseases that run in her family, including follicular lymphoma and primary ciliary dyskinesia. She finds peace in her Savior, Jesus Christ, and joy in building relationships that draw her closer to Him and make her more aware of the world around her.

This is All In, an LDS Living podcast where we ask what it really means to be filled in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm Morgan Pearson and I'm very lucky to have Anne Bednar at the helm with me today. Anna, welcome.

Ana Bednar2:08

Thank you. It's so good to be here. It is humbling, but also a wonderful experience getting to know you better. Thank you.

Morgan Jones Pearson2:15

Well, I was looking forward to it. And listeners should know that I've been following Anne on social media and reading her posts for a while, but we didn't really know each other that well, we had mutual friends. So it was a pleasure to learn more about the stories behind the things she's posted and shared, as her family has been on quite a journey lately. So I want to start with you and your family. This is not a completely new experience. All of you are no strangers to difficult things. So I asked myself: What have you learned from those difficult things? Feel free to share all you want about the different things you've been dealing with, but what have you learned about why God lets families go? through hard things.

Ana Bednar 3:11

Perfect. First, consider the fact that we certainly don't have a monopoly on hardening. I know many, including dear friends of mine, who are going through some very difficult things right now. So we don't have a monopoly on this difficulty. But I think that in the Book of Judges the question is asked if the Lord is with us then why has this happened to us? And I think this is a common question: if God exists, why do bad things happen? And I never really had that question, even during this journey with cancer and battling my son with a debilitating lung disease. I have never been asked this question, mainly because I feel like we learn a lot from the scriptures about opposition and how opposition exists during the fall and we have agency and choice and experience heartache and sadness and misery. But with that we also experience the other extreme, we experience joy, peace and bliss. And so I am grateful for this knowledge and understanding that we have of the scriptures. We also learn from Moses that joy comes from the fall. And I am so grateful to understand that when we experience the bitter, we can also experience the sweet, sometimes simultaneously, and when we are at the end of our strength or struggling, and when we can turn to the Redeemer, He brings peace. that sometimes it seems impossible but that it surpasses all understanding and I am very grateful for that understanding. I am thinking of an experience my husband and I had in Ghana. Shortly after we got married, he took a group of MBA students to Ghana, Africa, and I went to work there as a nurse and did some tests and screenings and basic health assessments for these kids. And in those beautiful faces, those faces that have experienced so much more in time than I need to experience, I saw the light of Christ that was unreal, I saw joy and contentment, and I often think that we, especially in America, tend to take the path of least resistance or the removal of trials, when in reality it is in this struggle, in the downs and in the difficulties, that we are building our character by reaching out to the Savior in that pain, and He brings that peace. And he does so much more for us than we could on our own. So I learned that trials and tribulations are a part of life, I think of the people, the children of Israel, traveling from Sinai to Canaan, and the journey shouldn't have taken 40 years, right? Now we understand that, but in those trials that they experienced, they were sanctified so that their hearts and minds would be ready to witness what they needed to and learn what they needed to be prepared for that promised land being. This is how I learned to appreciate the difficulties. And we can go into more detail later, but that's all part of life.

Morgan Jones Pearson 6:23

Sure, you know, it's interesting that you say that. I think I was asked to share some thoughts in Relief Society last Sunday. And I thought about how I would like to say that in the happy moments of my life I have grown closer to the Savior and to our Heavenly Father. But I don't think it works that way in general. I believe that it is in these difficult times that we always see the greatest progress on the path to God. And I love that I also found it interesting to follow your story that it seems like this is something that has brought you and your husband closer. So I was wondering how navigating these things has strengthened your marriage, I'm sure you have tried too. But how did it make you stronger?

Ana Bednar 7:15

It is interesting because I feel that my husband and I are doing very well. When Times Are Tough I feel like we've overlooked the little things that slip in a marriage when we face tough things, and have a more eternal lens through which to view ourselves. But I think the important part is to build your marriage in the middle when things are going well, because that will make you stronger and empower you for the tough times. When our son Sam was two days old he had to return to the Primary Children's Hospital with some breathing problems. And at that time he was diagnosed with PCD and we know of a mother who has another patient who has been in and out of the hospital frequently with the same illness. And she warned us because she was facing divorce herself, and she felt a lot of it was because, with the help of her daughter, they hadn't prioritized her marriage during difficult times. And that was a very important cautionary note for us early in the game.

Morgan Jones Pearson 8:26

So ask yourself about it. Did you mention making marriage a priority, making your marriage a priority? What does that look like for you in practice?

Ana Bednar 8:37

I often feel like I see my spouse as an extension of myself and don't think about serving or loving them in any unique way. I think one thing I've been trying to do especially lately is give it a higher priority in my life. And one of the ways we do that, or have tried to do that, is at night to make that time really meaningful and sacred when we put the kids to bed and we can focus on each other's world. And to understand what's going on in each of our independent lives and how we can improve our communication throughout the day and how we can more fully support each other to be the strongest version of our team as we face whatever challenges arise. our family. I think another important part of this is taking time to have fun in your marriage and remembering why you fell in love in the first place and creating exciting moments like date night. That's why we try to make dating a priority and make time to talk and enjoy each other's company when our kids aren't around.

Morgan Jones Pearson 9:48

I love that. So you mentioned your cancer diagnosis. I've been wondering as a new mom, what are the thoughts that go through your mind when you're faced with so many young children who depend on you and you know how much they depend on you?

Ana Bednar 10:11

Yeah... I think about it a lot and immediately think of an experience I had. Shortly after finding out I had some form of cancer I went down the rabbit hole to find out what it could be and searched for a support page knowing full well this could be the outcome for me it could be this guy due to cancer and my mind was in so many different places at the time and i knew i had to go to my twins room the moment they were just one and little mac and eleanor were screaming at each other in their separate cribs and my heart it was heavy. And I was so afraid of the unknown of what the second chapter of my life could be and the things I would miss in the lives of these precious babies as I sang songs about Jesus and prayed with them. my heart went to some really scary places. But as I prayed and put one foot in front of the other, hugged her and put her to bed, I realized that life goes on, you have to put one foot in front of the other. And yes, you have to reserve time for pain and sadness, but there is power in action and power in moving forward. I think of other experiences that occurred the exact same week that we found out about this diagnosis and figured out how to tell our children. And I think of my little Jane, who was five years old at the time, and her little friend somehow found out about our news and mentioned that her mother, she said, I'm sorry, your mother died of cancer. And of course, that's not particularly true of the immediate future, but in Jane's mind it goes straight back to an experience we had in the backyard burying our pet goldfish, Buddy. And she thought of sticking the fish in the ground and throwing dirt on it. And that created so much fear in her head. To this day she freaks out when I put the slippers on her because she thinks I'm leaving. And she won't leave my side. And if for some reason I can't hug her, she gets very sad. And as Jeff and I navigated through this diagnostic process and figured out how to create intentional experiences with them to talk and have prayers in our hearts, I felt like we didn't have the bandwidth to orchestrate it perfectly Creating exchanges that Spirit and God knew the intention of our heart. And it created the most beautiful experience that night after I brought the twins to my Jane, who was five at the time and Sam was eight. And we just had a meaningful conversation where we discussed her fears and concerns. And as a result of expressing her fears, my heart was comforted in the process. And it happened mostly organically, because I think we carry that prayer in our hearts. I think about it as I think even more about what might be taken from me in the future, I think about Gideon in the Old Testament. And all the tools that he thought he needed to succeed or that he needed to defeat the Midianite army were taken from him. And I think that in the future I will lose a lot of my abilities, possibly physically and emotionally. And times are getting tough. And I find solace in those stories. I have done it in such a new and real and powerful way that if I have been missing myself physically, Christ will make up for me and make up the difference in a very sweet way. And I believe, I believe in those promises. A quicker thought. Our children have had to be in lockdown much longer than most due to COVID to protect their brother Sam. And sometimes I felt so sorry for them. I thought, oh, I feel like I'm taking her away from her sports and her school and the social interactions that are so important. And then looking back, I see how that time built our family. So when I think about how my children have to fight to see me fight or how they have to carry more burdens, it actually builds character and makes them stronger children who can better build the kingdom of God. It's a funny image that I have in mind, but right after my diagnosis I saw my five-year-old daughter in the backyard and she had a vase, it was a vase of sunflowers that her grandmother Birkstead had given her and she had this vase, she was so excited to plant the seeds and had them all lined up in a little row on top. And her older sister came up with a little spoon and told Jane you had to dig them up, and she just dug up those seeds by mistake. And these crocodile tears came out of Jane's eyes and she was like no, no, I want them perfectly lined up. He didn't want them underground. And I saw my 12-year-old daughter try to explain to her at that moment, no, the seeds need the pressure of the earth, they need water, they need sun, but they also need the earth on top, those difficult things can help them, to grow, to grow , and blossom, and blossom, and then I think of this visual image that we need adversity to be stronger, and even children need and are resilient. And they can't be sad for long before they reappear and flourish. So I am very grateful for this knowledge.

Morgan Jones Pearson 3:30 p.m.

And I loved what you said earlier when you were talking about you and Jeff and you said that you feel better when you're dealing with difficult things. I feel like part of it is perspective. And when we go through something difficult, when we go through a challenge, I think it changes everything about how we see the world. So when you deal with something like this diagnosis, how does it change how you live in the moment and how you see the world? And how does the choice to be in the present bring freedom?

Ana Bednar 16:08

I love this question. And it's something that I understood as a way out of this feeling of slavery and fear and insecurity. So that same night I was feeling so down about not seeing all the milestones that I wanted to see in my twins or my other children. I was so scared and overwhelmed by it. And sometimes I have trouble praying because I can't even focus my thoughts. This time I turned to the Small Seed app, a meditation app that was a blessing in my life months before this diagnosis. And I listened to a Brooke Snow meditation app. And it was about feeling overwhelmed, getting over those overwhelmed feelings. And in it he said that feeling overwhelmed is a symptom of not being present. And that was very strong for me because sometimes in the past, even before this diagnosis, I would feel so overwhelmed with regret: regret for something I said and couldn't get over it, or regret for something that I wished I would. they have had a long way to go and could not, or feared something that might or might not happen in the future. And it was such a powerful moment of liberation when, while meditating, I recognized and tuned into that spirit that I realized: I can be free as long as I am not afraid of the future. And I put the past in perspective and try as much as I can to focus on the present. And through this meditation and the quieting of my heart and mind, I was able to pray that night in a way I never had before. And I found a peace that let me sleep, I had spent many sleepless nights until then. And I am very grateful for this change in perspective. There is power when we focus on what we can control in the moment, making the most of the moment and not living in the past or fearing the future. I recently went to my husband's last class, he teaches the last class of every semester and I was there last week and a quote he shared took on new meaning for me. It's a quote from President Eyring. And he says: “I cannot promise you the end of your misery in this life, I cannot assure you that your trials will appear to you only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to slow down clocks, and then almost seem to stop. And I can confirm that this happened in my case. To return to the quote: “There are reasons to know this. Knowing these reasons may not bring you much comfort, but it can give you a sense of patience. These reasons stem from this one fact: in his perfect love for you, Heavenly Father, and for the Savior, that you are willing to be with them to live when family is forever. Only those who have been perfectly washed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there. And when I heard that quote, I ended up thinking, we know we're all going to die, that's part of mortality, right, and if we accept that fact and recognize that if we believe, death is not the end of what we believe and that is not what I should fear. The end is ultimately what we become during the process or the journey, the hardships and the trials, and the final ending is what we become through those trials doing to ourselves. walk with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ forever and I am so thankful for this change in perspective and how it has changed the way I feel about this diagnosis.

Morgan Jones Pearson 19:43

Well, and I think this quote reminds me of the lectures that were given, I think Elder Uchtdorf gave a lecture one time where he talked about time and how time is not an eternal thing, so it makes sense that it isn't. . You know, the weather would start to look different if you're going through something that's preparing you for heaven.

Ana Bednar 20:08

I agree. In those anxious moments I also felt like clocks had stopped and I was able to see my children in a beautiful new way, as if I was experiencing their childhood in a whole new way that I had never seen before. Before. So I agree with you, it's a beautiful thing.

Morgan Jones Pearson20:28

That's so cool. Another quote she shared is from Elder Neal A Maxwell. And he said, "One of the reasons we love each other in the kingdom is that our friendships are not initiation friendships, but friendships of new beginnings." Anne, you have shared a lot on social media about your friendship experiences during this difficult time and what friendship has meant to you. I was wondering, I feel like one thing my mom was always interested in was how do you choose good friends and how do you choose good friends? So she was asking me, since she has had to rely on those friendships that she has made throughout her life, what advice does she give her children on how to choose good friends?

unknown speaker 21:22

I love it because I've thought about it a lot now that I have teenage daughters,

Morgan Jones Pearson21:26

What is hard!

Ana Bednar 21:27

It's hard. It's hard. And I think of the quote from Elder Maxwell in relation to how you asked the question: "The same God who put the star in a precise orbit also put each of us in a precise human orbit centuries later." May our paths not cross by chance. And friendships blossomed for me when I received this diagnosis from all facets of my life, from all times. And it has been a blessing for me to reflect on these friendships. And I think, as I think about it, I quote, I feel that the premortal realm, mortality, and eternal life are much more intertwined than our limited minds can comprehend, and I think that's true of a friendship, which sometimes I need someone, whether it's on my mission or on a sports team, and I feel like I've met them before. And I feel connected to them in a very sweet way. And I think it's because we may have met them before. And there is a purpose for those friendships in this life. But when I think about giving advice to my children about friendships, I think of an exchange between Saul and Samuel where Samuel empowers him, Saul sees himself only as a leading donkey, but Saul sees in him much more than God. And I think when my kids can find the people who see the most in them and when they can see the most in other people and see potential, that's a sign of true friendship. Also, the one who inspires greatness, like Samuel, inspired greatness in Saul and saw more in him. And as a result, Saul was able to see more of himself. So I think when my kids are looking for good influences that make them want to improve, but also see potential in themselves and instill a sense of confidence, these are the most beautiful friendships you can find, whether they're members of our faith or not. I think that's the key to good friendships.

Morgan Jones Pearson 23:35

These are great tips I think. Well, I think it's great, as we mentioned earlier, that people can probably pick up on these little ideas that will follow in our Come, Follow Me study of the Old Testament this year. But you started in May to share those things that you have learned applied to what you have been through. And for me that was really cool because I was teaching the morning seminar and every time I watched the lesson I was like, oh man, that's the story I'm hearing. And then I would read what you got from reading. And I thought, okay, it applies to everything we're going through. And I was wondering if maybe you could share two or three of these themes that you picked up from this year's Come, Follow Me.

Ana Bednar 24:32

On the right. It's interesting because I feel like we often hear about a person's connection to Scripture and how that relates to a trial or tragedy in their life after that trial ends. And I found it so liberating and inspiring to put my thoughts on paper or into words via Instagram, which is quite unusual for me to share in this way. But I feel like I've struggled in secret before, and I would have given anything to connect with someone who is turning to the Savior in their struggle and trial. For me it was simply a beautiful place to share what I have learned. But I think I'm very grateful for the first lesson because I thought about a scripture that was given to my then eight-year-old son Sam to prepare a Primary talk. It was a scripture found in Genesis 50:20 and the scene of that is Joseph talking to his brothers after so much has happened and they leave him for dead and he returns and the scripture says that God directed him to good, how beautiful the concept is . At the time, he was playing with the Primary secretary. I thought, wow, this seems like a bit of a lofty topic for an eight-year-old, but at the same time I was preparing with him and talking to him about his lung disease and then how God made a difference for his good and for all of us. family is I realized that this is a fundamental principle for all of us. And it's something that I found in the Old Testament, that God has the power to turn anything we experience in our lives, good or bad, into something beautiful, and through that trial, he can do so much more for us, when we turn to him. . in this case. Everything they suffered on this long journey and beyond prepared them for something greater. So I'm very grateful for this fundamental learning. Related to this, I well remember an experience I had as a night shift nurse and my friend sitting at the table after I left a cystic fibrosis patient's room. And tears came to my eyes because I was so sad about everything this girl had to go through and I asked her what her biggest fears were in her life. And then she asked me the same question. And I vividly remember saying, I'm afraid of having a child with cystic fibrosis. And I also said that I am afraid of getting cancer as a young mother. And when I think about those answers and the fears I had, it amazes me that God has changed and the tests of him are similar, my son has ciliary dyskinesia which is very similar to cystic fibrosis. And I saw him suffer in the hospital, as I saw that child suffer that night. And I watched him turn two of my biggest fears into some of my greatest teachers. And I'm very grateful for how these trials have refined and shaped me, so I'm very grateful for that.

Morgan Jones Pearson27:38

It's always so interesting to me, this notion of what we fear the most, what happens a lot, Ann Romney was on this podcast, and she was talking about her friend, and I've forgotten her name. But she and her sister had a conversation years ago where they discussed what's the worst that could happen to you. And in fast forward these two things are happening to each and every one of them. And it's interesting to me because I think sometimes the things we fear the most are the things we're actually prepared for and can handle, even though we thought we weren't. you can deal with them. And I love that scripture in Genesis and the idea that whatever we experience, whatever God allows us to experience, is for our good. Okay, sandwich number two?

Ana Bednar 28:39

Yes. Very fast. Just to add the last one, I feel like this spirit addresses these fears in a unique way, just as I do, fearing for others when they are going through the worst of their lives. But I saw the Spirit ministering to me in a unique way and helping me through these trials. Anyway, that's interesting. I feel like the writing in Jacob about sanctifying yourself for tomorrow, the Lord will do wonders among you, I think so. The second concept that applied to me throughout the Old Testament was the concept of faith over fear. I think of Elisha and that experience where the concept of those who are with us is superior to that of those who are with them, or of Gideon and his army when they faced an army much larger than theirs, the Midianites. And yet, God removed even more of his army than he believed they needed to fight. And I'm thinking how by disrobing, God was able to work a miracle for that army and they were victorious. In the spoil we have the daily manna that the Old Testament speaks of. We depend on obedience and the constant sustenance and nourishment that comes spiritually from God when we turn to Him daily. And that's why I love this concept at all times. And also the column of light and fire that came at night and the clouds that came by day to guide them. And I can testify that these pillars of light and these clouds have gone through this process of cancer diagnosis. And through many experiences as a young mother, turning to the Lord and seeing him direct my steps as he did the children of Israel, I believe I have a pair in one right after the birth of my son Sam Met BYU Dinner. And they have three children, one died of cystic fibrosis and two are still alive. And they told me, um, advice, I asked them what they were going to teach me, and they told me not to make decisions about your family based on fear. And that never left me and like me, with every child we had, when we decided to get pregnant, we had a one in four chance that that child would have this disease. And we work hard to make those decisions prayerfully, in faith rather than fear. That's why I'm so grateful for Old Testament examples that remind us that we have a much bigger army than meets the eye to help us on our way. In the Old Testament when it talks about Moses and Moses asked the question: who am I, and at that time Moses was a homeless man, he doubted his own abilities, he was slow on the tongue. And often I feel like I'm speaking slowly and can't find the words to express how I feel. But I have dealt a lot with the doubt of so many characters in the Bible. Especially in the Old Testament, I think of Noah, I think of Ruth, so many women, Ruth, Rahab, Esther, I think of Jonah and Jeremiah, all those Old Testament characters who were afraid, they doubted if they could or not. Don't do what God commanded you to do. And yet, God has made far more of themselves than they could ever make of themselves. And like Moses on his journey with the Israelites, I really felt like a friend and I knew he was going to die. I mean we all know he was going to die. But I felt like mourning the loss of a friend as he went up that mountain and not being able to see the Israelites enter the promised land, that was very sad for me. And yet I loved his beautiful transition from mortality to immortality as he realized that he had to move on and someone else had to take over. And he was so humble in that transition. And none of us knows how our lives will end or how they will end. And I'm thinking about how I don't know what my second chapter will be like or when I'll come out of mortality if I die. But I feel that we can look for and expect miracles, which President Nelson encouraged us to do, just as these prophets and not even the Old Testament prophets, just as they looked for heavenly help, we too can look for heavenly help and see with eternal eyes . and a new perspective.

Morgan Jones Pearson 33:19

These are great themes. My husband and I were recently talking about how fast things can go. And it's as simple as that, I guess, if there's some kind of diagnosis or something that you're health conscious about, well, well, that's what I have to worry about. But mortality can change very quickly. And just being prepared and having eyes to see these miracles that are happening around us, I think is a profound way of living and if we all lived that way, we would be a little bit different.

Ana Bednar 34:02

I had an experience that will shed some light on my journey with cancer, and right at the diagnosis phase, a few years ago, I had what they thought was a stroke. So I got tested and they gave me a concoction to help with the headache. And then they said, okay, you need to get an MRI. I think it was an MRI. Maybe it was a CT scan and he was so scared by the experience that he didn't want to go in. I think the drug mix is ​​causing me a lot of anxiety and I thought there was no way I was going to go down that little tube for who knows how long and they finally put me in that tube. Two years later, they put me in a dark room, injected radioactive glucose into my veins, and forced me to drink the radioactive liquid that coated my stomach. And it was an effort to highlight every area of ​​cancer on my body, from head to toe. And I was so scared of it and ironically they put you in that room. And they eliminate all distractions. And they say, okay, don't think, don't try, don't be metabolically active. And it's very interesting because it was when it scared me the most, right? How I thought this scan could change the rest of my life no matter how long it took and I was told not to think and no don't be afraid but I did and while on the scan I had so many bites. I wanted to scratch it and I was so scared that I wasn't going to get a good scan that would give them what they need, the information they need and I have to say it again. And over and over again the thought came to me, I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me. And that Scripture brought me so much peace. I also thought of a Psalm that says, "Take me to a higher place than I am," and I feel like Moses was blessed for doing such hard things in his life. I believe that we can also use this power when we align our will and mind with God, and it can really help us do wonderful things.

Morgan Jones Pearson 36:07

You mentioned meditation earlier, and I think that's the beauty of it, you talk about setting your intention, but when we set our intention in Christ or in a scripture or in a song, it's amazing to me what we can do. Focus, even if it feels like, yeah, sure, like, I can't just sit in this tube and not think about all of this. Anne, how would you say studying the Old Testament this year has changed your opinion of this book of scripture, or will in the future?

Ana Bednar 36:43

It's interesting because before I felt like I could read it for nuggets, I could find little bits of the Old Testament that would force me to study a little more, but I never really delved into the scriptures or the stories or characters on its pages. like I did last year. And indeed, the promised blessings to Israel's covenant seemed hazy to me, like posterity, as numerous as the sands of the sea, and those promised blessings did not seem very real or tangible to me. I didn't really understand the concepts behind it. And as I became more familiar with those stories, I feel like I saw the beauty of those promised blessings that if we choose to be a part of that covenant, we can be the chosen people. And I saw the beauty and the power of keeping those covenants. And it made my visit to the temple more meaningful when I thought about the covenants I made there. And I'm very grateful for this idea of ​​how I could get more involved in these conventions by learning from these characters. In the past I felt that the Old Testament was a very law oriented book. But I have seen how these laws provide religious structure and rituals that draw us closer to the Savior and deepen that relationship in powerful ways. And then I really came to love that part of the Old Testament.

Morgan Jones Pearson38:18

For me, the best thing about his point about covenants was acknowledging that I think the Old Testament really does teach us about covenants from beginning to end. My class just had a class on sealings, the power to seal. And notice that we started this semester talking about conventions and we ended this semester talking about conventions. And that's what I think the Old Testament is about. Ana, you talked about waiting on the Lord. And you had this line that I really loved where you talked about watching and waiting for stages in life. What would you say is your definition of a period of watching and waiting in life, and what has been worth it to you during that wait?

Ana Bednar 39:06

It's interesting because when I was diagnosed, I knew it was possible not to start chemotherapy right away. And I almost resisted the idea because I felt like I was ready to make things happen. I'm usually a jack of all trades type of personality and I wanted to fight that and get it over with right? Go through a year or two of really hard stuff and then be done with it. But when I realized the nature of this diagnosis and indeed the nature of my son's disease is a very progressive disease. It is incurable and will not go away. And thinking about watch and wait, I'm still in that watch and wait phase, with blood draws every six weeks and a visit to the oncologist every three months just to make sure things are right where they need to be, but when I think about it , at first it seemed too passive to me, but now there seems to be an opportunity to actively wait. If you think of Christ's disciples, he asked, why couldn't you just watch with me for an hour, right? As if they had fallen asleep in their greatest need. And I think about what it means to actively watch and wait. In fact, I am thinking of an experience I had recently that could have been a mechanical experience of just declaring a full tithe with my bishop and our family. But it became a wonderfully meaningful experience when he asked me, and I don't know what drove him so much. But he asked me to look at my children. And he said, Anne, these children are worth it. But he said, God can't do a miracle unless he's willing to do your part in that miracle. And it was a real punch in the pit of the stomach in the sense that there are things I can do better, I can drastically change my diet, which would probably slow the progression of this cancerous growth. I can prepare my heart and spirit spiritually through journaling, scripture study, meditation, and prayer. And I can do so many things that are now actively involving my physical and mental healing. And I can be the best person I can be so that when treatment comes, I can have the best possible outcome. I have a dear friend of mine who gave me a glimpse of this waking scripture and hopes that he finds himself in Isaiah to wait on the Lord. And he talked about how they use the word GAVAH in Hebrew, GAVAH. And he could wait and replace the word sooner. The rope-making method they use is called gavah, and they connect small, simple strands that, when separated, can stretch, separate, and break. But when they come together, they create something so powerful it can't be broken. And when I think about how trials and struggles and difficulties take us to a place of fear and uncertainty, but when we connect and turn to the Savior, that rope can be stronger, it can be unbreakable. And we can find a strength in our lives that we didn't know existed before.

Morgan Jones Pearson42:22

I'm lovin 'it. Another thing I love that you shared on Instagram, you shared this quote and I'll probably tear up that person's name when Pema Chödrön said, "If we look closer, we could say that the real cause of suffering is not being able to tolerate uncertainty and thinking that It is perfectly sensible and perfectly normal to deny the fundamental groundlessness of the human being." And then you wrote: "Uncertainty ironically frames Progress because it keeps us ready to look inward as we continue down the path." an idea that I think you've shared some different thoughts on this idea of ​​living with uncertainty, but what are you learning about living with uncertainty?

Ana Bednar 43:13

I love the idea that insecurity is part of being human, right. It is part of our mortal existence. And I feel like I'm getting better at being mindful and building trust instead of giving in or giving in to my fears. As I said before, my son's disease and also this cancer is a kind of progressive and incurable stage. And I feel that from time to time I receive news that brings me to my knees and reminds me that I am mortal and that this will not end. And I need the power of the Lord. But I have found that by seeking the Lord's help and seeking His guidance and protection in this way every day, I feel that fear has evolved wonderfully, and as a result, faith has evolved wonderfully. And in a way, those fears have all but abated. So that's what I would say.

Morgan Jones Pearson44:18

I totally agree. I think it goes back to that notion of living in the present. Anne, you shared that too and this will be the last question I ask you before we get to our final question, but I loved this experience you shared. She spoke to a friend whose daughter also had health problems. And her friend said, "We try to set a framework for our lives that creates certainty, but in fact life/mortality is always uncertain, hour after hour, day after day, the only constant is Christ." And I think that's true. I am 100% guilty of trying to scaffold and set things up perfectly to avoid any kind of pain. But I love this idea that the only constant we have in this life is Christ. How have those trials taught you to trust Him in a way that you wouldn't have otherwise?

Ana Bednar 45:28

It's interesting because from the beginning, when I was so sick trying to find answers to why I've been so sick lately, I got down on my knees in a very real way. I was physically down, but I feel like the spirit made up for it in such a beautiful and powerful way. And my mission president was Brad Wilcox. And that was almost 20+ years ago, and he shared something with me that has stayed with me ever since. He said Christ, and I'm paraphrasing, but he said that Christ suffered for more than just our sins. He suffered for any of our pains or injuries. And I want to include the insecurities, our worries, our bad habits or destructive patterns, the loneliness, all of that, he suffered for everything that separates us from the Savior and from God. And because He went through all of that, we don't have to carry it. And we can be released from that in a way, and I feel like I'm swept away in the most wonderful way connecting with the Savior in that trial. In the second half of the Old Testament, God speaks to the people in exile. And I feel that in a way we are all people in exile. But he also offers a way out for the exiles. And He provides a Savior, and He gives opportunity after opportunity to draw near to Him through the Atonement of the Savior. And I felt this turning away from Him in such a sweet way. As I tried to align my will with His and build my relationship with my Savior, I thought of an experience I had. This was right after my son got home from the hospital, he was on oxygen and it was actually around Easter time. And we were hospitalized, he got metapneumovirus and swine flu on top of each other. So we met at the elementary school for boys at Easter, and my mother stayed with the other children, and we sneaked out of her room to meet with other parents in some kind of makeshift sacrament meeting room. And I will never forget how powerful it was to separate us from the world. And we come to participate in the sacrament. And as I was listening to the testimonies and seeing the faces of parents who feared the worst for their children, I saw a patient who had a pole feeding her IV and she was so skinny and so sick. I saw a patient in the room who was struggling with all kinds of issues with his heart and needed open heart surgery and so many different illnesses that he had treated years ago as a nurse, but to be on the other side to bear witness that these parents were involved sacrament together and recognize that what the Atonement meant to them in that ordinance was so powerful. And I will never take that prescription again without thinking about what happened within those hallowed walls of this hospital. And it almost makes me want to go back to nursing when my kids are older and maybe I'll have the courage to go with the parents to places I wouldn't have gone before, as a nurse, after being a mom in the other Page era, and now as a cancer patient.

Morgan Jones Pearson 49:02

Well, actually a few years ago I had the opportunity to write a story about the children's branch of Primary that they have there. And the branch president said that if I do this story, will you sing again some Sunday? And then sometimes I have to go. And in fact, I've told my husband many times that I think there's a piece of heaven on earth in Primary kids when they have these special sacrament meetings, so that's amazing. And it has been a pleasure learning from you and benefiting from your study of the Old Testament. I think I could have done better last year and will try to catch up next year with the New Testament. But I really appreciate your sharing what you've learned, and I hope it inspires us all to enjoy Come Follow Me some more in the coming year. My final question to you is, what does it mean for you to be fully in the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Ana Bednar 50:09

When I turned to the Savior in the midst of adversity, I think I understood how we can connect more deeply with Him and with the power that comes from keeping covenants. Essentially, he becomes a part of us, and there are scriptures woven throughout the scriptures that speak of Christ standing at the door, he knocks, he wants to enter. He is in all of our lives, He can make much more of us than we can make of ourselves. There is a beautiful scripture in Ephesians that I came across while he was studying the Old Testament. And he says: "That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, so that, rooted and grounded in love, you may understand with all the saints what is the width, length, depth and height, and know the love of Christ He surpasses all knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." I feel that if we allow Christ to make more of us than we could ever make of ourselves, we can be used as tools to make Him build empires here on earth.

Morgan Jones Pearson 51:13

I love this font. I don't know if I've heard that before. And I totally agree. I think the Ezra Taft Benson quote about giving our life over to God is probably the most quoted quote I've ever used in this series, but that's because it's my favorite. And I think it's very true that this is the way to experience all that God has for us, by giving him everything we have. So Ana, thank you very much. It was a pleasure being with you and learning from you. And I appreciate that more than you know.

Ana Bednar 51:48

Many thanks.

Morgan Jones Pearson 51:52

We are very grateful to Anne Bednar for joining us on tonight's episode. Many thanks to Derek Campbell of Mix at Six Studios for his help with this episode. And thank you for being with us again in 2023.

transcript ofhttps://otter.ai